Why Does Saying No Feel so Hard? People-Pleasing and Low Self-Esteem
Do you ever agree to things you don’t really want to to just to avoid conflict, keep the peace, or make someone else happy? Maybe you volunteer for extra tasks at work even when you’re exhausted, or you go along with plans you’re not excited about because you don’t want to disappoint anyone.
If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing.
As a therapist, I hear this struggle often. And if I’m being honest, I’ve fallen into it myself too. It’s incredibly human to want approval and connection. But when your self-worth is tied to making others happy, saying “yes” becomes automatic, even at the expense of your own well-being.
Why People-Pleasing Happens
People-pleasing often starts as a survival strategy. For many, it begins in childhood - when love or safety felt conditional on meeting others’ needs. Over time, it becomes a way of coping: “If I keep everyone happy, maybe I’ll feel accepted.”
Low self-esteem feeds into this because:
Fear of rejection makes it hard to risk saying no.
Overvaluing others’ needs while devaluing your own becomes a default pattern.
Identity tied to approval makes it feel like love and belonging depend on compliance.
Conflict feels threatening, so it’s avoided at all costs.
In short, people-pleasing often grows from the belief: “I matter less than others.”
Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
You struggle to say no, even when you’re overwhelmed.
You feel guilty when prioritizing your own needs.
You often put others’ desires ahead of your own.
You fear disappointing people or being disliked.
You apologize often, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You feel resentful after saying yes, but powerless to change it.
If these feel familiar, you’re not weak or broken. You’ve simply learned to equate people’s approval with self-worth.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing may seem harmless (or even kind) over time, it takes a toll:
Emotionally: Constantly suppressing your needs can lead to resentment, anxiety, and burnout.
Relationally: Relationships can feel one-sided, or you may attract people who take advantage of your giving nature.
Personally: You lose touch with your own desires and values because you’re so focused on others.
Physically: Chronic stress from overcommitting can even impact sleep, immunity, and overall health.
Someone once told me, “I don’t even know what I want anymore, I only know what everyone else wants.” That’s the painful reality of long-term people-pleasing: it often erodes your sense of self.
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing
The good news is that people-pleasing is a learned behaviour, and it can be unlearned. Here are some steps I often share with clients (and practice myself, too):
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Awareness is the foundation of change. Start by simply observing when you feel the urge to say “yes” even though part of you wants to say “no.” Notice where it shows up - in work, friendships, family. Pay attention to the physical signs, too: a tight chest, racing thoughts, or the instinct to respond quickly.
The more you notice, the clearer the pattern becomes. With clarity, you gain choice!
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People-pleasers often feel pressured to answer right away, fearing that hesitation will disappoint others. But giving yourself even a small pause creates space to check in with your actual needs.
Try saying: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”
That moment of breathing room is powerful. It shifts you from reacting out of habit to responding with intention.
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When you set a boundary, guilt often follows, it’s the old conditioning telling you you’re selfish. BUT guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Remind yourself: “Taking care of my needs is not selfish, it’s healthy.”
Over time, you’ll see that respecting your limits not only helps you, but also creates more authentic, sustainable connections with others.
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Saying no in high-stakes situations can feel overwhelming. So begin with low-pressure moments, such as: declining a free sample at the store, letting a call go to voicemail, or telling a friend you can’t make it to an event.
These small “no’s” build a muscle of self-trust. With each practice, you teach your nervous system that the world doesn’t fall apart when you honour your needs.
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When you’re used to orienting your choices around others, it’s easy to lose touch with your own desires. Spend time asking: “What do I actually want? What matters to me?” Journaling, quiet reflection, or talking it out with a trusted friend can help.
The clearer your values become, the easier it is to make decisions that align with them, rather than defaulting to pleasing others.
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People-pleasing can often have deep roots, sometimes tied to early experiences where love or safety felt conditional.
Therapy provides a safe space to explore those roots, understand why these patterns formed, and gently practice new ways of relating. Having support reminds you that you don’t have to untangle this alone; you can learn new patterns of connection that honour both your needs and others’.
A Personal Note
I know how hard it can feel to say no. I’ve had moments of saying yes when I was stretched thin, just to avoid disappointing others. Over time, though, I’ve learned that honouring my own needs not only protects my energy, BUT it also creates healthier, more authentic relationships.
Last Thoughts
People-pleasing may feel like kindness, but when it comes from low self-esteem, it can leave you drained, resentful, and disconnected from your true self. By learning to set boundaries, challenge guilt, and prioritize your needs, you can step out of the cycle and build confidence rooted in self-worth.
If saying no feels impossible and people-pleasing is draining your energy, therapy can help you set healthy boundaries and reclaim your sense of worth.
Click below to book your session today.