How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
We all know boundaries matter, but actually setting them is another story. Maybe you worry about disappointing others, being seen as “difficult” or “selfish,” or creating conflict. Maybe you’ve even tried to set a boundary before, only to cave under guilt and feel worse afterward.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Guilt around boundaries is one of the most common challenges I see in therapy, especially for people dealing with anxiety, low self-esteem, or people-pleasing tendencies. But here’s the truth: setting healthy boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s an essential act of self-respect and emotional well-being. With the right tools and mindset, you can set boundaries that stick, without the guilt.
What Are Healthy Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are the guidelines you set around your emotional, physical, and mental space. They define what you’re okay with - and what you’re not - in how others treat you, how you spend your time, and how much you give of yourself. Healthy boundaries protect your wellbeing, give clarity in relationships, and reduce resentment.
Examples of healthy boundaries might include:
Saying “no” when you’re overwhelmed
Asking for space when you need time alone
Ending conversations that feel disrespectful
Deciding how much emotional labor you’re willing to give
Why Guilt Shows Up When You Set Boundaries
If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, there’s usually a reason, and it’s not because you’re doing something wrong. Often that guilt is rooted in early conditioning and social messages.
Research suggests that guilt is a deeply social emotion designed to keep us connected and cooperative. But when we’re raised to prioritize others’ comfort over our own 0 or taught that “good” people are always helpful - saying “no” can feel like a betrayal.
Other common reasons guilt shows up:
People-pleasing patterns: Learned early as a way to stay safe, loved, or accepted.
Fear of conflict: Worrying that setting a boundary will upset someone or cause rejection.
Empathy overload: Feeling responsible for how others feel - even when it’s not yours to fix.
The good news? Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. In fact, it’s often a sign that you’re doing something new and healthy.
What the Research Says
Research supports that setting boundaries, assertiveness, and self‑compassion are linked to better mental health outcomes. For instance, a study found that assertiveness training among college students significantly reduced anxiety, stress, and depression, and improved assertiveness (ElBarazi et al., 2024). Another study showed that combining emotion regulation and assertiveness training for people with Generalized Anxiety Disorder improved resilience and lowered clinical symptoms (Ahmadi et al., 2021). Additionally, research on self‑compassion has shown strong links between being kind to oneself and better psychological well‑being, reduced stress, less self‑judgment, and healthier coping (Crego, 2022).
Steps to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Here are concrete steps you can try.! Maybe try to integrating them gradually, especially if guilt feels strong.
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Take time to reflect. Notice where you feel drained, resentful, or anxious in relationships. What are you tolerating that you don’t want to? What feels like “too much”? What feels okay, but only barely?
Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or doing a therapy session focused on boundary work can help.
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Assertiveness means speaking up for your rights, expressing your feelings and needs, while respecting others. You don’t have to be aggressive - it’s a balanced middle path.
Techniques:
Use “I” statements (e.g., “I need…” / “I feel…”).
Keep it simple. You don’t need long justifications.
Practice role‑playing with someone you trust.
Use pauses, rehearsed phrases if needed.
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When you first set a boundary, there may be pushback - from others, or internally (your guilt, fear, self‑doubt). That’s okay. It’s part of the process.
Reminders you can use:
“My comfort and wellbeing matter.”
“It’s okay if someone else is disappointed.”
“Boundaries are kind to me and to others.”
With time, discomfort lessens as setting boundaries becomes more familiar.
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Guilt often comes from a critical inner voice. Self‑compassion helps soften that voice.
Some self‑compassion practices include:
Acknowledge your pain (“It hurts to do this, but I’m trying to be healthier.”)
Remind yourself of common humanity (“Many people struggle to set boundaries.”)
Mindfulness: noticing the guilt without over‑identifying with it.
Studies have shown that self‑compassion helps people cope with stress, reduce negative self‑judgment, and build resilience (Crego, 2022).
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Don’t try to change everything overnight. Start small.
Ideas:
Say “no” to a small request (social outing, extra favour).
Express a preference (e.g., “Can we talk later rather than right now?”)
Set a limit in time (e.g. “I have 30 minutes to chat.”)
Celebrate successes, reflect on what worked, adjust what didn’t. Over time, confidence builds, and guilt weakens.
Benefits You’ll Notice
Once you start consistently setting healthy boundaries, many clients tell me they experience:
Reduced anxiety and stress
Higher self‑esteem and self‑respect
Clearer, healthier relationships
Fewer resentments or burnout
A stronger sense of knowing who they are and what they need
When to Seek Extra Support
If guilt is very strong, if trying to set boundaries leads to extreme anxiety, or if past experiences make this hard (trauma, very people‑pleasing past, etc.), therapy can be one of the best supports. Working together, we can explore the beliefs behind the guilt, practice new ways of communicating, and help you strengthen your sense of self.
If you’re in Liberty Village or Toronto and want help with this, we would be honoured to walk this path alongside you. Reach out when you’re ready.
Click below to book your session today
References
Ahmadi, M., Ghasemi, M., & Shahriari Ahmadi, M. (2021). Effectiveness of emotion regulation training and assertiveness training on resilience and clinical symptoms of students with generalized anxiety disorder. International Clinical Neuroscience Journal, 8(4), 188–192. https://doi.org/10.34172/icnj.2021.37
Crego, A. (2022). The benefits of self-compassion in mental health professionals. Psychiatry Research, 314, 114532. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2022.114532
ElBarazi, A. S., Mohamed, F., Mabrok, M., Adel, A., Abouelkheir, A., Ayman, R., Mustfa, M., Elmosallamy, M., Yasser, R., & Mohamed, F. (2024). Efficiency of assertiveness training on the stress, anxiety, and depression levels of college students: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Education and Health Promotion, 13, 203. https://doi.org/10.4103/jehp.jehp_264_23